Unraveling The Idea Called Love

I want to embrace that feeling,

That brings me near me;

That tells me who this person is;

Or those living within me.

I fear who I may discover,

I fear being bound;

I know not where this may lead,

I stand silent without sound.

I want to go back home,

To sharing joys and sorrows;

I want to lay below the stars,

Not worrying about tomorrow.

I want to live in this moment,

Though knowing it may end;

I don’t want to travel on that road

Because it may end.

If I were another person,

I’d perhaps not move with thought,

I’d let this moment live as it is,

As with destiny it’s brought.

Those who say Love is selfless are wrong. Those who say that love is unconditional are wrong too. Those who say love is about living for someone else aren’t right either. Those who say love is life – are, perhaps right.

Love is just like all of us – it’s human. It has its ugly sides and it has its prettiness. It is just as flawed as perfect; it’s just as imperfect as it is sacred.

Case 1: Love – the other side of the person

In simple words, it’s simply our identity. The way we love defines us. That’s why people in love have different personalities. This one friend, in a relationship since years, has a partner who just wouldn’t let her be out in the “open”. He doesn’t let her create a profile on social networks, he doesn’t like it when she hangs out with girl friends, he doesn’t like her not meeting him and he doesn’t like her working. And he’s pretty candid about it saying, “That’s the way I am”. To his friends, however, he’s kind and supportive and being a renowned television artist, he certainly works with many working women. He has great respect for them all – or so he certainly shows. But back in his home, he wants a wife who doesn’t need anything else besides him.  They do love each other, and I’ll be attending a wedding soon. 

Case 2:  Love – the more than one, simultaneous

In case two, I am out for dinner with a friend. Unfortunately that evening, I don’t have company. It’s a party evening and the whole city is busy! So I ask him to join me and he comes. He says, “I haven’t told anyone I am with you. Please don’t mention it to anyone”. And I just put down my spoon. I ask him “why be clandestine?” and he says “she wouldn’t like it” and I say, “Are you seeing each other?” and he says, “No!! Of course not! We have different lives and different languages. We can’t even think about something like that. Besides, I have a long distance girl friend right; I am committed to her and she knows I am here with you”. I just keep quiet and quickly finish my dinner. Another word would hurt my respect too much. Why am I dining with someone who feels the need to keep our meeting a “secret”? I quietly finish dinner and stand up to leave. He tells me not to be upset. I say it’s fine and that I just hate it when people have dual standards. I say, “if your friend matters so much and she disapproves of u giving me company for one dinner, then why are u here?” he says, “because u are a friend. And she is someone I work with; meeting her every day. I can’t afford to hurt her, and I want to be there for u when u need help.” I say it’s fine and that I wouldn’t bother to call him in future if it’s going to bother his girlfriends.

I go back home and sleep over it. I wake up in the morning with my cup of tea in hand. Half way through, the images flash in my mind. Are there multiple relationships in this friend’s life? I was meeting him after months; years actually. I had known of his long distance girl friend of 4 years but I was unaware of this co-worker’s presence. What is this friendship about?

Case 3: Love – the mistaken belief

On another day, I am talking to stranger on social network. Our conversation drifts to how they are looking for a groom for her. I say, “I have tremendous respect for women who marry young. It’s really hard” One thing leads to another, and she makes a statement that blows me off my feet. She says, “Love is sacrifice. Which is why I can marry someone I don’t even know”

But how can something like love be sacrifice? Of course we do things for people we love and often, we give up on things for them. But calling it “sacrifice” would create a void within, wouldn’t it? I had once read in some work by Paulo Coelho – Sacrifice means you have to go without. That there isn’t enough for everyone, and hence you are giving up on something you desire. Love shouldn’t mean killing your desires. There should be room for two people.

Which is what makes me go to the first lines of the poem above – love is a more personal experience. It’s our frame of mind, it’s our experience and it takes us closer to who we are – within. And it’s often; very different from whom we are to the world. That someone we are with knows or sees a side that others do not.

Which is why love requires courage; you need to have the courage to face yourself. Go deep within and bring out a person – that other person. My sister commented, “Well, in your case then, they are bound to find many personalities” and I stop and think – that’s true. Each frame of mind, each part of life – may be the person deep down doesn’t change – but somewhere we do. We do have multiple personalities – look at yourself early in the morning, look at yourself at night, look at yourself in front of your boss, look at yourself in a temple – aren’t we different people?

It is these different people who are responsible for ripples in relationships. Our different personalities. A partner should understand who – all – you are. And that can be difficult at times – because life isn’t stagnant. We have different phases and different requirements. When I am reigning high in success, I need someone to celebrate with me as well as keep me grounded. When I am low in depression, I need someone to see me through. People have to stay through all these phases to make successful partners. Sometimes, that doesn’t happen. Sometimes pressures, turns in life, priorities, competencies don’t match what’s needed. Relationships end.

Of course, true love should see you through everything. Maybe it isn’t true love – but it still is something – because it has a part of you.

And that brings us to the next point – the misconceptions about love.

  1. Love is always happiness
  1. Love does not cause pain if it’s true
  1. Love is unconditional
  1. Love is freedom of speech and space. Love does not bind.
  1. Love is selfless; happens only once and lives forever

I started this post with the statements – love is like humans. It has its flaws. And the discussion above explains that there is and can be pain because life has its ups and downs. So an “always happiness” situation doesn’t happen. An unconditional love also doesn’t happen – because there are some amounts of expectations always. When you call, you expect and answer; when you love, you expect a response, when you speak, you expect to be heard and you expect them to share, while you listen. It’s when our basic expectations are met – whatever they are – we call it unconditional love. The fact however that is it really isn’t unconditional.

There’s one more kind of love actually. I’d perhaps call that “unconditional” because it’s the one sided love. Where you just have these strong feelings for someone. You don’t expect them to love you back but you have small expectations like “he must at least listen” or “she must at least respect” and then these expectations when not met, turn into hurt and pain and pull at the strings of your heart. I remember feeling like this for a person; when I’d simply keep hurting. For months. Everything else was perfect at that time – professional lives, opportunities, friends- everything. But somewhere, those little expectations would pull at the heart and linger like pain. I never really told him that I had feelings because he dint seem to reciprocate. And then one day, it ended. Like my heart gave up on that “unconditional” feeling. Yes, I don’t want to use the word love here, because love is a very strong word. Unconditional can’t really be that strong, can it?

Love can be unconditional in terms of adversity, yes. That no matter what you stay along. No matter what, you tolerate and you love each one of those personalities within the person you admire, despite everything. Yes, that unconditional “being there” can be there, but something where you don’t need anything in return – well, that doesn’t happen. And more so, it shouldn’t. And hence love isn’t selfless. You want your heart o have peace, you want to see their smiles, you want to embrace, you want to protect you want to share your life. That certainly can’t be selfless.

It’s almost evening. I have been silent all day. And now I have my evening cup of tea in hand. I started writing this blog in the morning and it’s evening now. There are still many thought’s that I need to carry beyond from here. Still many ideas to share.

  • Why intimacy isn’t wrong
  • Why love binds and dead-ends happen
  • The loves that don’t reach closure; barriers
  •  Guys and girls – how their worlds are different and needs and expectations are different. How guys fear to commit and how girls simply hold on to all the love they get – even from different people.
  • Selfishness happens – when you don’t love a person back and still don’t let them go either

There is much more to discuss, and I shall try my best to publish soon.

It’s now become more like a quest now – to unravel truths of life. To unravel ideas in the universe; and perhaps I could keep writing forever and still not have answers. Sometimes I think I want to drive down to some unknown place, sit down and write about all those things that I have discovered. But somehow, I know it won’t work. Because love isn’t perfection – it’s life. It’s human with imperfections, with problems, with pain, with hurt, with longing and still, with power and strength. Love is energy – there’s no need to fear it because it can take you through. Love makes the heart happy – and don’t deprive yourself of it.

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