Falling In Love More Than Once – Part 2

The other night a friend seemed pretty quiet. I was sort of making a few announcements and his lack of response made me wonder what could be more important!:P He revealed soon that the woman he had loved had talked to him that day. They had already parted ways sometime back. She was a good friend.

I sympathized and put the phone down. But there. The thought had happened. The Love angle had re-entered and my pledge to decipher facts began all over again.

They weren’t together, but she still had an effect on him.

I wondered, how can people heal in emotion? Is this the greatest pain besides the loss of loved ones to heaven?

I know how it feels to have a heavy heart. Its 12 am, but decide to make my cup of tea. There’s nothing that works better; it’s tea for me.

I log in to start writing this blog post, but peep into my twitter account and find a similar thread of conversation. The topic of love seemed to have been playing on the minds of so many people that day. (For records, the following day “Love” was trending on Twitter and so was “midnightconfessions”)

So there I was, thrown in the middle of conversation. Somehow, I couldn’t hold back. I spoke. I shared. Even part ideas from Falling In Love More than Once – Part 1. That love happens and that love passes.

We soon had 2 more people join, then 4 more and then a few more until almost 15 people were out there trying to Unravel the idea called love.

Sometimes, all the answers are just before our eyes, but they are just so hard to see.

Like my best friend said in a conversation, “Aps, how can we base our actions on feelings? Feelings can so be crushed, ignored and squashed. “ of course this statement is very open to debate; one would probably talk about the extreme feelings of sadness , anger, happiness – things that we can’t really control. But think closely and see; how do we overcome sadness? In that moment, the world seems to stand still; but then…. Things move. You take charge, may be talk to a friend (or may be discuss things in the open like on twitter!) and slowly get back on the ground.

In this case, haven’t we overcome sadness?

You are angry, you speak or you write. You mediate and then relax. haven’t you liberated yourself?

In a similar way, love can be controlled.

Yes – yet again a scandalous thought. But it really isn’t as whimsical as you think or as movies project it to be. After all, who are the people we fall in love with? The people who we meet in life! If love were to be as random, then soul mates would be across seas, never meeting? Or you might be travelling to another city, bump into someone on the street and fall in love.

No that doesn’t happen. But on the contrary, it can.

I am not trying to confuse you here 😀 what I am trying to say, is that, love is in our control to some extent. We can choose who to be in love with and then give our best.

We can choose.

I remember a conversation with a very dear friend, she said, “There really isn’t anything wrong with arranged marriages or love marriages. It’s all about meeting the right person. You can meet him or her, any way, can’t you?” which is quite relevant. Which means, from all the people we know, we chose who we like.

This is more of a subconscious decision, but it happens.

There are various factors that bring people close together: working together, facebook-twitter, school-college, common friends etc. And when tow people give each other company and communicate, they are bound to form an emotional connects. The emotional connect can go on to be a strong friendship or a romance.

The romance can be brief and only in the mind, or it can go on to be something stronger.

It’s all on how we react to our feelings, how we decide to react to our feelings and what we want form life. And when you give somebody a chance, and take things further step by step – love grows and love happens. The stronger the mind-connect happens, the stronger the bond becomes and the relationship happens.  However, there’s s twist in the story here.

Sometimes, the mind creates a stronger bond because you develop feelings for someone. You think of them and you focus your thoughts on them and before you know it – you’re in love. But somehow, the person doesn’t reciprocate. He or she isn’t on your wavelength but you continue to hold on. And that’s where the one-sided love happens.

So whose fault is it? The person falling in love? The person who isn’t in love? Well…. None.

Sometimes, things really aren’t in your hand. You might find someone very attractive (mind, soul, body), but they might not. And at times like this, you have to respect and let go.

(and right now while I talk about this, it’s romantic love – not the many types of loves that I have mentioned in previous articles)

That brings us to the next aspect – what’s attractive?

Again a mind thing and you really might not be able to monitor that. But like you overcome sadness and anger, you can also address your attraction towards someone if the need be. It’s all about what you want and what you want to pursue.

A friend once told me, many years back, “statistics show that romances happen almost all the time even with committed people. It’s because people live with each other day in and day out; it may not be physical, but the mind does play games.”

And from this point onwards, it all varies from person to person. About how you address this “crush”/love. I know a friend who doesn’t hesitate to step into relationships because she believes in her feelings and she believes in living for herself. She understands and accepts that love happens.

But by now, I must have hurt “religious sentiments”J… No, that wasn’t the intention.

I know how it feels to be in love – the stronger one and not mere attraction – because there is a difference. I also do believe that there is that one person who is meant to be with you – to the extent that it’s for each, his own. But at the same time, I call all these forces drawing people closer together as a kind of love – because it isn’t something to be disrespected. It has a part of You.

It may sound unfair to think about yourself, but that’s how we seem to be conditioned. To think of absolute. To think one person. But before anything else, think for yourself.

With each day, you are a growing person.

Don’t compromise for someone who doesn’t really love you or care for you or reciprocate your feelings – but just don’t hesitate  due to fear.

Someone on the previous blog post asked me WHY I try to decipher these paradoxes? Is it because I hurt in love?

I don’t. And I am certainly not hurting now. (This phase is so beautiful, a post shall appear soon on what the rich experiences are) It’s just that I love easily (and here I mean the universal, all kinds of love) and feel emotion for far too many people. I see people hurting for each other and I wish I could ease it. I see feelings grow for each other, and people not being together because “they can’t” – I see them hurt and I feel this urge to try my best to heal.

I want to decipher this idea so that we understand that love happens. In most cases it hurts because we don’t listen to the heart and we bind ourselves with “norms”. In some cases, it’s because the person isn’t meant to be (the wavelength philosophy).

The main core remains that we need to speak up and address things that affect us. Denial is not a solution. Addressing and respecting your feelings is. If you are a committed person, it doesn’t mean that you stray; it means that you talk to your partner and work out what is missing.

You know what it all actually is?

It’s the heart seeking love and that’s why it gives out so much.  It’s the heart seeking attention and that’s why it likes it when someone pays a compliment or says something kind or listens.

For women, then tend to be vulnerable, often picking wrong men who know this secret too well. For men, they become vulnerable when they love a woman too much, and she just doesn’t understand.

If you are committed, probably talking it out will help you revive what’s missing. If it still doesn’t work, then it doesn’t mean you cheat. And it doesn’t even mean you’ll wonder for ever…. It just means you need to take out time and find yourself.

I am still part that person who uses I love yous very easily. My team with the short film club I work for, knows me as someone who’s lavish with I love yous. But after 8 years, I am a little careful now. After hurting for friends and people I have loved, I am far more sensible now. I understand far many things. I am perhaps an adult! But I tell myself I’ll never grow close to people (the general love) and inevitably I do. However, now on this side of these many “investigations”, I know what I want from life.

I know which friendships are romances of the mind, I know which associations are mere manipulations, I know what “playing is”, I know what attraction will pass and I know which friendships will stay. I know it when people say ‘I love you’ and mean it, and I know who from them must stay in my life and who should leave.

In this bid to discover romance, love, feelings, simultaneous affections, crushes, love for friends, love for people, love for enemies, and love for strangers and virtual friendships, I have discovered who I am.

And you should do that too. In this bid to addressing your feelings, discover who you are. And don’t hesitate to love or demean a past you’ve had – because it has a part of you, and that is worth a lot.

Sharing this lovely scene and song from Zindagi Na Milegi Dubara – I love this scene in particular. She goes out and says, “Mujhe Afsos Karna Nahi Aata” – “I don’t know how live with regrets”.

Anything besides these responses, feel free to post on blog comments:). Plus, Is there anything you want me to write on? Let me know @ apsara.iyengar@gmail.com .

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