Singlehood Vs. The lifestyle break-up | Should you try to work on your relationship?  

It’s a weekend morning and I am watching TV with breakfast. 220px-Sonu_Ke_Titu_Ki_Sweety_-_Movie_Poster

Actually, I am watching a lot of  it these days, I can hear my mum mumbling in the background. I am sipping my tea. The movie that’s playing is ‘Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety’; a film that I am guilty of watching twice on the big screen, enjoying it thoroughly with friends and then taking my family to watch it too, because … Well! It’ was humorous.

Boy meets girl. Best friend doesn’t like girl. Boy and girl break up, in a string of comic sequences.

As destiny would have it, a month after the release of this film in 2018, I would go on to be introduced to one of my client’s best friends, “a match destined to be” as most would predict, I would go on to experience the deepest relationship of my life and then, just like the protagonist, I would fall short of getting hitched.

The film was a super hit with fun songs, cute boys and hawt girls. But reality is a little different. I wonder, are we all turning towards a more fickle existence or co-existence?

It’s sad.  If the reason for us to end a relationship  is based on comments, prejudice, status, or mere differences, it is sad.

I survived the crumbling of my relationship but I now become deeply moved when someone tells me they broke up or their marriage isn’t working out. It breaks my heart to see people give up and a silent prayer creeps up that says, “Please don’t.”

Why do we want to give up?

And then again, why do we want relationships?

I am walking into a meeting when I am greeted by this vibrant and confident girl, “Hello Apsara” she says, “How are you? Remember we met a few years back”.

I acknowledge with an equally big smile and greet her. Even though I remember her as another’s friend’s girlfriend from a few years ago; his work and social circle defining both of them, on most days, today, I can see her.

No reflection of him or his presence and I think to myself, that’s the kind of women we ought to be! Having our own identities even if our better-half has a grander one. It’s not about the ego or the money, it’s about having a little something that’s your own.  It’s about our contribution. Like I have always believed that not each one of us might have a need to earn the bread-and-butter; but let that not be a reason for us to reduce our contribution and underestimate our potential. This girl, was more than someone’s girlfriend today, and totally seemed to be living that.

DSM_BreakingUp_episodeUntil a couple meetings later, in a casual interaction she mentions, “Well, it’s a year since we went apart.” And I in-turn become overtly apologetic.

She, on the contrary, consoles me saying “It’s okay Apsara. His life and work really took over and he wasn’t in a frame of mind to commit to marriage. We mutually went apart.”

We exchange pleasantries and I leave. But in my heart, I am deeply moved.

Why does a man or a woman have to let go on the basis of work or pressure? Aren’t those the times that we ought to stand up to eachother or make space to accommodate the other? What fantasy do we all live in! Myself included. They always said that love isn’t a bed of roses. But now, when we see the thorns, we leave. In an article, actor Ayushman Khurrana’s wife Tahira mentions how she wanted to leave when Aayushman shot to fame, because they were in different spaces; and how he held on, and how they ultimately did.  (The anchor of a moving philosophy of humanistic values and  Nicherim Buddhism does indeed reflect in their lives, I have always felt it. In recent interviews they have confirmed the same)

In other words, one of us, has to be adamant. One of us, has to make sure we don’t give up.

At my office,the very same day, I am speaking to one of my associates on the phone regarding some financial decisions, when I casually ask him, towards the end of the call, how he and his new bride are doing.

He replies in the negative, saying, “Well, Apsara, I am on the verge of a divorce.”

I swallow a lump in my throat and without even realizing what I am saying I ask sincerely, “Can I speak to her? Can I do anything to help?” and he replies baffled, “Of course not Apsara, you don’t even know. her”

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Aah, I check myself, true. I don’t even know him for that matter! Nevertheless, I invite him to tea and we talk at length. “I don’t know why she married me” he says, “because she never even spoke to me. She judged me for who I am, the money I earn, the life I live, the person I am and left.” “I din’t stop her.” he continued, “After a point, I din’t want to either.”

A melancholic tea party ends with a warm good bye and text message from him saying that he appreciates my listening, while I stare back into silence wondering why this affects me.

Perhaps because it’s the same story over and over again. Our sense of validation from the prism of comparison, our sense of external acceptance without our own, our attempt to build a relationship with communication taking the backseat… In a way we are all in search for a ‘right partner’, even though it’s different from the 90’s bollywood myth of finding the ‘soulmate’. Today,  in stark contrast, it is about self’ at the Centre and ‘choice’ as the mantra.

I am drawn back to the boys in the film. The best friend says “Hazaron mil jayengi”, (you will find 1000 girls) who don’t want commitment but only physical intimacy.  And  I wonder does physical intimacy motivate marriage or commitment? 661127-sonu-ke-titu-ki-sweety

Even as I ask the question I laugh in my head at how futile it is. It does and it doesn’t! In our times, I am not sure sex can be a primary motive because we are liberated.

No matter how orthodox our culture, the youth are far more progressive, liberal and self-aware. In this space, a physical relationship can be established even while dismissing the need for an emotional commitment. I personally know many promiscuous couples, that have great understanding.

In short, in this space, when sex doesn’t become the reason for a relationship to hold, what does? To each the answer will vary. And for that answer, for that reason, we need to work on our relationships.

For the best years of my life I enjoyed singlehood, precisely because I believed I would decide marriage when I meet someone I want to discuss the prospects with!  That worked for me but I must admit that Singlehood is different, and being single after a break-up from a long term or serious commitment is different. It’s never the same. So then, why do so many of us go through this?

And THIS is the pressing concern that we need to address when we get into a relationship or think about commitment. 772d9e9c9113ad72476c4885d681ae58

Sex is easy to find, companionship…. Not as much. So, will you get a “better option?” Sure you will! A hotter girl or a more handsome guy, a smarter woman or better qualified man, a richer woman or a more affluent businessman – sure, you will find a better option but a better partner? A better companion? Well, that takes effort.

It does.

And whoever that companion is, he or she has tough competition! Oh yes! Because we live in an age that is ruled by amazon prime and netflix. They give us good company, easily transforming days into months and months into years.  Adding to this our travel goals and shopping targets? Well, certainly our professional lives will take the forefront!

For the EMIs I pay on that expensive car I drive  or the exotic vacation I want to go on, the lifestyle I keep or the social memberships I maintain – for everything I will push myself to work longer hours and make more money.

But will I compromise my relationship? Maybe.

Should I? May be not.

And that breaks my heart. And so, I will give free advise:

Don’t give up. Speak, listen, discuss, share, let go, build, celebrate. Just don’t give up that easy.

Giving up on a relationship is the easiest thing to do in 2019 and hence forth. And probably the cooler thing to do too. But, it’s harder to work on it and keep it going.

I am not asking you to stick in an abusive relationship (physical, financial or mental) but  I am asking you to work on the busy relationship, the one with differences, or the one with no communication; even the one with less spark.

If you fight because you can’t make time, make time.

If you fight because she doesn’t cook well, well then, teach her.
If you don’t respect him because he doesn’t earn as much as you, then, pay the bills yourself.

It’s not about man versus woman, it’s about man and woman. We all need to walk that mile, that distance and that effort. We all need to appreciate the person on the other side just as much as we need to – the person on the inside.

For the longest time I remember, I shied away from the idea of relationship or marriage and perhaps, that’s why I consistently met men who were ‘interested’ but not ‘willing’ to commit. A large part of that phaze went in denying my own truth and pretending it never existed. But it did. A void did. The deep desire for a real and meaningful relationship did.

And then it happened. (After I had pledged to not indulge in any romances for more than a year, phew.)

The deepest and the most relevant relationship of my life. One that taught me the value of family, that brought me closer to understanding my own insecurities, and one that taught me the importance of conversation. One that healed me. I have no memory of the emptiness that I felt before meeting him and I don’t feel the void after him.

Perhaps, that’s why what Emma Whatson means when she says, “I am self-partnered” makes absolute sense to me.

Perhaps relationships are meant to change something within and in-turn, change destiny for the better? Perhaps.

I sought and received the committed relationship that I needed; it may look incomplete to the world because it dint end in marriage, but for me? It was complete.

By now my tea is over and so is the movie. I smile. Didn’t I begin by wondering why my friend and his girlfriend had to part ways? Or why my associate should suffer a broken marriage? Perhaps their story is similar. And like mine, perhaps their journey was complete.

The empowered singlehood with no void, equips me to continue my pursuit in work and passion but having known the void  and the process of the void being filled up,  makes me revere the brilliance of relationship and what it can do to a person.

I recollect sharing with a close friend, how wonderful I felt at completing 50 theatre projects successfully and she replied, “great, it’s good you are distracted”.

And that pricked.

I wasn’t working to be distracted from my break-up. I was working out of the love for my work. I was working out of genuine happiness.  the self-aware people that we are becoming, the more of us are choosing careers that we love and doing work that gives us sense of fulfilment. In cases where it doesn’t, we have dual careers (like myself and many others). And that’s why work,  can never define our sentiment towards relationship.

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In mine I learnt putting the other before myself while being cared for, I learnt how time can fly and freeze at the same time, I learnt what breeze, waves, silence, laughter, and memories can mean and how deep and meaningful conversations can cure everything; and for that, I will urge everyone who is reading this to give your relationship another chance.

I know it’s tough, I know the rocks have waves crashing down on them, I know that you dint sign up for half the things you experience, but still, I will urge you both to not give up …. Not on the relationship and neither on yourself.

In my head you see, there is an epilogue to the film, where the fairytale continues. In reality you see, it should…. We should make it happen & it ultimately, absolutely should!

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I HAVE Lipstick Under my Burkha.

I HAVE #Lipstick Under my Burkha.

Yes I do.

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I am not fake, I am not cold, I am just me, under many layers that exist because I care. Yes, I care about what people think about me, I care about being judged, I care about the choices I make, I care about being cool enough, I care about being liked enough.

 

But the whole point is…

Why can’t I just live with the fact that people don’t like me? Why do I have to be likable? Why do I need to fit into a definition of “successful”, why do “I” need to be defined?’Why do I need to bother about what answer I will give to someone somewhere 20 years later about my relationship status – it’s existence or lack of it? Why do I need to explain what I do, what I feel and why I feel it? Why do I need to justify my emotions, for that matter, my existence?

And #Lipstick Under My Burkha is that mirror.

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Through 4 women – different ages, different situations, and different personalities – we see a reality that we would casually chose to look away from, always.

Be it Rihana entering her room and dancing to beats of her anger, or Shrin’s expectant eyes when she is seeking appreciation for her work, or Leela’s desperate attempt with pout filled selfies to chose a lesser life with more ‘chance’ or Buaji’s simultaneous acceptance and rejection of social judgements on choice of her interest in ‘literature’ …they are all small details that will linger with you after the movie, and make you wonder what’s right and what’s not … and even as you answer the questions in your head, you will be surprised at how entwined in patriarchy we are and how dominant the male perspective has been, before, now and forever known.

The very fact that the movie makes NO STATEMENT whatsoever is its greatest strength!

It doesn’t say women should wear lipstick or dress bold, or work or stay hlipstick-under-my-burkha-plays-iome, it doesn’t fight for right to education, it doesn’t fight for ANYTHING and in doing just that, it wins.

I am amazed at Alankrita Srivastav’s craft in simplicity and detail, a narrative with such depth – that speaks less but says more; it manipulates you too. Yes it does! It leads you to think, question and figure out things that you would never bother about, and while you figure it out, you slowly unveil ‘feminism’ in your head, which is nothing but, a quest for equality.

What a genius! What a gift.

Majority of us, do have a burkha. And the realization in itself is empowering, it has hope in the knowledge that it’s still in your hand to lift up the veil.

Will the women in the story, do that? Will they survive it? One can’t be sure. But #LipstickUnderMyBurkha is a reality check which draws our attention to the subtle inequalities, that we could all work towards bridging.

P.s. with all the talk about the movie being too feminist, I became the censor board myself, wondering whether men  can watch it at all. But watching the film made me realize what an elegant piece it is. Yes its sexual. Yes, a little explicit too. But haven’t we seen tonnes of that already? Only the tone of the storytelling is from a female point of view this time. And when we haven’t been offended for so long, why be now?

p.p.s. I think I will take my male friends to watch this one 😉 will be an interesting experience. #WhyNot #LipstickSide #MustWatch

Why Aarfa is a Winner in Sultan

There’s a thin line between ‘woman empowerment’ and blindly writing off a woman for making a choice that’s not ‘ambitious’ enough. I think that’s where the Firstpost blog on
Sultan gets it wrong, in context of Aarfa.

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While Anushka’s character, Aarfa, steps down from a competition to be a mother – it’s a choice she makes. It’s a sacrifice she makes not just for her husband but also weighing what she wants in life.
She has achieved, she has won and now she wants to be a mother. What’s wrong in that?
Writing off a character like that to be sexist is a hugely disparaging statement to thousands of women across India who would do that any day! But what’s empowering about Aarfa is that she doesn’t give up being a “sportsperson”, continues to train and continues to teach.
Being a feminist myself (and feminism is equal rights) I would have reacted to something sexist very strongly, but for me, Aarfa is a winner. She knows exactly what she is doing and where she is life. She is not docile or coy or dominated. She tells her husband on the face that she made a sacrifice and demands him to make one for their sake. She’s outspoken, not defeated and woman who lives by her terms and has the courage to hold her ground and dismiss the man she loves when he’s wrong. And that does take courage.
Sultan by himself maybe sexist. The way he takes her sacrifice for granted, the way he becomes arrogant, the way he forgets his people. But the film in no way endorses it. On the contrary, the film answers to the sexism with Aarfa’s perspective and actions. 
Let’s face it … that’s how we are in love.
All those who have been in love, sometime or the other know. All those in marriages or relationships know it. Sometimes, you want to put the wishes of the one you love ahead of yourself. And so the best relationships are those where both the partners make that ‘equal’ contribution.
And so, if at a point a woman wants to be mom, what’s wrong? How can we look down upon something like that? that’s like going anti-family, anti-men and making another set of rules for women – where she doesn’t even have the right to make her own personal choices! That’s the problem of our society… we judge the woman. Always! No matter what she does.
Some times when we move on in life, our dreams change. Yes, it’s difficult sometimes to accept that what you wanted yesterday… you don’t want today… even after chasing it with all your might! It’s coming of age that’s important and so it can be hard sometimes to accept the truth. For me, Aarfa is wise enough to know.Ranbir-Kapoor-in-Yeh-Jawaani-Hai-Deewani-480x640
When Ranbir’s character in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani decides to give up his dream job to be with the girl he loves, we applaud his journey. But when a woman decides to step down to be a mother, we write her off as “weak” or “dominated” or “Stereotypes”. How unfair we are!
I won’t say Sultan is a brilliant film and I won’t say I endorse Salman’s idiocy. But, I won’t take away from the film what it has right.
I love how Anushka isn’t a broken person, I love how the intent of the film is to show the transformation of the protagonist’s heart, I love how they fight the battle “within”, I love how she says:
“We are sportsperson. We don’t give up.” I love how both of them come back to action after their journey as individuals.
For me Sultan is a feel good film, an Aarfa is certainly beautiful!

Anushka does 100% justice to character. (And she’s just as old as me :/ Damn 😀 🙂 ) Rooting for her, watch it for her!aarfa

Into The Silence

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Sometimes I turn to my left and silently stare out of the window. Amongst the wind, amongst the sound of moving traffic, amongst the chirping birds, sometimes I hear you. A little bit of our conversations. A little bit of your smile. A little of your cheer. How clear your heart was! How easily you smiled. How much of your chatter had no baggage. How easy it was for you to dream. How every day, you had something new to look forward to. How every now and then, you had something for me to look forward to. I could though, always look up to you. How there was so much for you to admire around; how much of you for me to admire around. Sometimes, I look at silent spaces and I can feel your shadow. Like you exist, still. In my thoughts, in my letters, may be. Perhaps in my ideas and my actions too. Sometimes I listen to the sound of the wind, because it can’t be that harsh. It can’t be that untrue. Could this really be true. Could it be true that I exist and you don’t? Could love end then. Would you never know where I stand, what I feel? Would I never know how your day is, has been or will be? Will you have another day, somewhere? Will you exist, again? In some other universe? Or will you not? Will you cease forever? Will the door never open? Sometimes I look at the path not taken and wonder where you would be. Sometimes, I wonder, if you still exist. If you do, I wonder if you still smile. That radiant smile. The vibrant chatter. That heart full of love and dreams and that bucket full of wish list. Sometimes I wonder, if you were true, if I were true at all. Sometimes I turn to the left and silently stare, out of the window, into the silence and talk to the shadow.

 

 

27 and Single – Coping with ‘Bidai’ of your Male friends.

It’s 10.30 p.m. and my friends call me, “Hey! We’re coming to pick you. Tea treat!”

“Sure! What’s the occasion?” I ask.

And my question is answered as I get into the car and we start talking.

“That’s like an arranged marriage turning into a love story?” I conclude, after hearing a detailed version of how a friend fell in love with the girl he went to see for an arranged marriage. We all rejoice but only before one strange interaction.

Someone comments, “But you know what! We just can’t meet like this once we’re married.” The girls look at each other. “Sure” we say, marriage does shift priorities. It’s obvious to be busy and occupied once married.

But strangely the conversation shifts gears and all of a sudden the guys are talking about all the permissible limits of our friendships as though friendship with women is more like a drug – not allowed post marriage. I start to feel a little uncomfortable.

After all, weren’t these the same guys we grew up with? Can we so easily over look the many years of school or college or work – the various walks from where we women, know the men in our lives – and simply accept an instruction to tone down our warmth and affections?

The weather is suddenly more chilly. Someone brings us all Tea and we hold the cups in hand to re-construct warmth on a chilly December, winter evening.

One of the guys, once again starts to speak of an “All guys trip”

The girls look at eachother as they animatedly make plans.

“Hello!” we say, “aren’t we a part of the plans?”

“But once we (the guys) are married, we won’t get a chance to travel together and have fun. You girls should understand.”

And instantly I feel two things.

  1. With the men getting married, they want us to know that they can’t really be ‘friends’ with the girls, the way they were before.
  2. With the men getting married, they don’t want the girls to be a part of the plans, trips, get-togethers they’re planning, somewhat in preparation for a married life ahead.

And the ‘dost-dost-na-raha’ feeling stares in the face.

I am reminded of the feeling I had in 2010, which led to the inception of Half A Cup of Tea with the blogpost, “All About Being a Girl“. Yes, I felt that same strong urge to write.

I am close to 27 now and my standards of finding a partner, are high. I must first fall in love and be convinced enough to marry. But that’s my personal life and my choice.

Being a single woman or a woman not married yet, does not mean  that we’re likely of pinning intangible expectations on people we know!

My friendship with the men in my life is irrespective of their commitment or marital status. And that’s simply because – friendship is different and romantic love, different.

This film is a classic example of friendship, I tell you!
This film is a classic example of friendship, I tell you!

And then again, we do love the people in our lives, don’t we? And how do you express the love and affection you feel for people, when they aren’t birth – siblings? Like I love my sister. I give her a hug. I love my friend, I give him or her a hug. Aren’t friends, to some extent, close to siblings?

Friends are the people we grow old with. Sure, we have spouses and partners and cousins – but friends are peers. And so, should a change in relationship status reflect upon your associations with others?

Being a feminist, and someone who has forever lived in a male-world, I somehow always surpass gender in my associations. Sure I have learnt of “ways of men” and I know of a language that I may never speak, but I accept them the way they are and see no difference in my friendship extended to men.

The discussions on a guys-only-vacation start to ensue once again: On chats, groups, meet-ups and once again I find myself revolting to the very idea.

I think we as women, understand. We understand other women. We understand that women would like their men to be committed and ask me on any day, and that is exactly what I will advocate to any guy friend in my life.

But, when your friendship dates back in years and months, knowing eachother as individuals, growing professionally, personally and emotionally – then must gender come in the way at all?

One of the girls chirps in, “Apsara, you know what! We’re all going to be the same before and after marriage, it’s the guys who are going to change. Bidai ladkon ki ho rahi hai.” (We’re giving away the guys in marriage. )

I do totally respect and understand that friendship always has to be two ways – if the guys don’t want to keep it, it’s not going to exist.

And that again raises two points:

  1. What are the ethics of friendship if it is “okay” now and “not okay” after being committed?Ally Committed to Future Concept

If that’s the case, then one must not encourage anything that cannot be explained to our future partners.

There is this strange scene I remember from one of my favorite TV series: Ally Mc Beal, Where she talks to her roommate saying “I feel a sense of commitment to my future partner, even before I have met him”.  All though the statement is weird, it does ring a sense of truth.

  1. Does the guy have a say or not?

I remember having this discussion with a girl-friend once and she said “I think he would need to put his foot down and tell both the women that they matter and they better cope with the fact that they hold different but significant value in his life. I think…. That’s a step the guy needs to take, make and walk.”

And that brings me back to my disappointment with society! Yes…. now the matter has escalated and I ask a greater question: despite so many years that we have come as a society, we still face these challenges of perception.

I remember my early twenties, where an over intrusive admirer had a problem with every male individual in my life. He was almost a stalker and he called me once, while I was meeting a friend.

Stalker: Where are you?Hypothesis: The Thinking Girl.

Girl: Umm xyz place.

Stalker: What are you doing there?

Girl: Umm discussing work with abc.

Stalker: How can you be at xyz with a guy?

Girl: <blank>

Stalker: I am coming there.

Girl: <blank>

Stalker arrives.

Stalker: Why are you here?

Girl: <No answer because the stalker deserves no explanation>

Girl <in the head> : Because my friends are the ones who have stood by me through years of test and times of struggle, they have shared my joys and offered a hand – in love and friendship. And HENCE – I am here.

And perhaps I am too ambitious to expect the same answer from all the men in my life.

To expect that they place our friendship at the same degree, level and stature as I do – as women do in general – without the gender coming in the way

Of course we have our own little things – the girls night outs, conversations and to-do lists. And the guys certainly have a lot more of that – the guys parties, the bike rides at 2 am and other things – which the girls are not a part of. And that is fine.

The Guy Things!            The Girl Things!

But what stings a bit, slightly, is the idea … of letting go, in advance…. For reasons that are best unsaid. That’s what pricks!

And that takes me back to the ideas of Love that I have frequently discussed in the past years – love must happen, we must grow and evolve. We should be open to idea of Love and in a similar way, in friendship with gender differences, we should be open to idea of letting go.

Yes, I am open to the idea of letting go – just as I am open to the idea of falling in love or living single based on circumstances. If the men in our lives have women who are not comfortable with us, then the possibilities of friendship taking a backseat arises. (I am talking about people not having time. That’s fine. My best friends I haven’t spoken to in ages but I know the friendship stands) But if the women respect eachother and role of friendship in the lives of their men – would a healthy, beautiful relationship, friendship and extended family not be possible?

It strangely gives me a feeling of women being typecast – I am telling, that’s not true. The woman you love will never be insecure if you love her enough.

It all depends on the way WE conduct our relationships.

I am taking the liberty of quoting another friend’s girlfriend here. (A story very close to my heart and couple whose kids I am going to spoil :p)

My friend had stopped talking to me over certain misconceptions. And my repeated requests to understand the problem had failed. Eventually, after months of void, I received a letter from him reviving our friendship. It was his partner who has encouraged him to do so.

In a private conversation with her one day, when I thanked her for being understanding and considerate in encouraging my friendship with her partner, despite barely knowing me as a person, she said – I could see what an inspiring companionship you both shared. And I must respect that. Had I had friends who were male and had I shared similar rapport with them, would I not expect my boyfriend to understand and accept the friendships?

She moved me with her beautiful words because I know how much that friendship mattered to me.

On another day, I was to make a movie with a very dear friend. We’d once been founding members of a youth group, today we were meeting once again over a common goal. I desperately wanted to make the film and once he read the script, he loved it. We began work but repeatedly faced hurdles.

On one anxious day, I came across content that had striking resemblance to my piece of writing. I panicked and frantically tried to reach my friend over facebook chat. When I couldn’t get his response, I created a group chat adding his girlfriend and whining about the unexpected situation.

Within seconds she replied – Dear Apsara, relax and have faith in your work. I am sure the two of you are very talented and are going to do a remarkable job with the film. You must remain composed, irrespective of the fact that certain situations aren’t in our hands. I am sure when you make the film, it will be unbeatable. Trust me, it’s a very strong act.

The film is yet to be made, but what filled my heart with even more optimism was the fact that my friend’s girlfriend turned out to be the most mature 😀 handling both of us and encouraging a positive perspective and action plan.

These women, individuals in themselves, understand.

These women, us women, we understand: and that’s where women are beautiful.

On the threshold of 27, I see so many of my girlfriends married and many turned mothers – they are busy – raising their husbands and children (:p) BUT, I still haven’t lost them. Yes, we cried on the wedding day…. And we did all that drama for the women…. But strangely, and painfully, seems like it’s the MEN we’re bidding goodbyes to.

As we finish off with tea and head back home, I remain silent.

While the men prepare for marriage, it’s not that the single-women-friends are waiting to cling on and ‘be the same’. For the single, individual, even moderately ambitious woman,  we are NOT dependant on men and we will certainly NOT intrude on married life spaces. That I must receive the disclaimers, saddens! A little bit of my heart breaks there…. And the tea is JUST not enough.

I make myself a cup of tea and call a friend – I tell him I am disappointed.

He laughs. He asks me:

If you were committed, would you really want to hang out with your group as much, plan trips of travel with your friends and do things without your spouse or partner?

And I answer with puzzlement, “Why wouldn’t I?”

Perhaps my expectations from life are far too ambitious – but yes, if and when I am committed, I would

In memory of the first post "All about being a Girl" where I used a pic like this!
In memory of the first post “All about being a Girl” where I used a pic like this!

expect my partner to understand the associations in my life – the ones that have molded me and made me, Me. I will expect him to have his friendships and let me have mine. I would love for the circles to mix and blend and make one huge, harmonious family – but even if that does not happen, I doubt I’ll trade one set of relationships for another. I think the beauty and the challenge lies in balance and understanding.

Perhaps it’s a long shot for me, but for my married and committed friends, I pray that you keep your Friends and give each other space and freedom in relationship.

I pray that it be only responsibilities, physical distance, and life passions that possibly distance us – and not social limits of bias and sad presumptions that already fragment our society!

Write to me and let me know what you think:)

With Love,
Apsara

apsara.iyengar@gmail.com

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