YOU Are Your Own Person

YOU are your own person.

We are who we are, and always shall be.

This is something that has always been true, but somehow, we forget and keep wondering and wandering. I thought about this, this morning as I sipped my cup of tea, and observed the young kids in my garden.

My maid has two kids. The boy is 5 the girl in 2 and a half. The boy doesn’t share, throws tantrums; while the little girl is warm and affectionate (though both are adorable!). The other day, his mother had bought him a packet of wafers which he was enjoying completely, by himself. I went down to meet them and began to play with the kids. The little girl suddenly ran in, and looked at her mother and said, “Maaarruuuu?” (timidly asking, “mine?”) with the politest, sweetest, most innocent tone. Her mother replied, after a pause, “nathi. Bhai badhu khai gayo”.(“Nothing. Your brother ate it up)

She just looked down and sulked without saying anything else.

I just can’t get over that “Maaarruu” in the little child tone. I went home and got her a bowl of chips, which she gladly shared with her brother, who had already started throwing tantrums because I dint give him a bowl.

And then I wonder; who teaches these little kids what’s right and what’s not?

Who makes them who they are?

Sometimes I remember learning things like we must always speak the truth. I don’t remember whether it was only my mother who taught me that, but I do remember her telling me never to lie. I remember being hurt when my friends would borrow a pencil, and then lie that they returned it. I remember feeling hurt, not at the loss of the pencil, but the fact that people could lie. As a child, it was hard to believe that something like that can happen. Somehow, I never experienced the fast benefits of lying, and consequently, have never developed the courage to do so. But that apart, I wonder, what makes me this person?

I think sometimes, if had a daughter, would she be like me? Would she become the person of the virtues I teach? Or would she just be someone she is born as?

And then I understand that saying, “Accept people the way they are and that is what love and relationships are about.”

We are, forever, the people who we are.

We develop, we change, we grow …… all within the purview of the person that we already are. We can be trained about right and wrong… Perhaps, a character can be developed. The child can be taught to share. But his basic instinct, I guess, shall remain. The little girl on the other hand, may learn to not share with those who aren’t ready to reciprocate. But by instinct, she might remain compassionate.

And when I understand this…

I suddenly accept all the people in my life the way they are…

I suddenly realise, that I understand them far better than I did. I also realise that some of them may not like it; the feeling of being read….. sometimes when you understand people too much, it can prompt them to move away…. For their “space”. The easier thing is to understand, and accept; and not question.

Yes… I do understand YOU very well… I understand what you think and why you act in a specific manner. I understand you need to be who you are; so that you can be; so that you can find your answers yourself.

I understand who you are.

I understand what friendships are.

I understand your shortcomings.

I understand your personality.

I understand that people are –

They may grow, they may become;

I understand that I must take you as you are.

And I understand…. Because it’s a part and parcel of this hyperactive, super analytical brain 😉

Falling in love more than Once – PART I

scandalous thoughts on how love happens all the time!

I woke up in the morning and found myself thinking about this whole “process” of falling in love.

It really isn’t that difficult, I wondered (having many loves in my, very own, life).  As I sipped Tea, I realised this is a subject I needed to talk about! After all, the tea-time conversations in the past few days were leading up to this one aspect – Love.  A girl-friend talked about ‘Simultaneous’ relationships the other day at tea. She said, “When we have so many friends, so many relatives, and so many people who care and are there for us – then how can we not be in love with more than one person at the same time?

After much thought, I have a few (scandalous) points to present here:

  1. Dukh baant ne ke liye sab hai, khushi baant ne ke liye sirf kuch log
  2. Love comes and goes and happens many times

The literal translation of the first point in Hindi is: there are people to share your sadness, there are only few for happiness. This is contrary to common notion that your true friends are the ones who stand by you when you are low.

Most certainly, I know for a fact, that I would not even EXIST without my fantastic friends who have been by my side through thick-n-thin, good-bad-ugly. But I also know, that there have been times when I have won. Accomplished.  Succeeded. The times when the pain has paid off, when I have felt high and happy. There have been those special people who have celebrated with me. Celebrated my happiness. These are people who don’t just ask for a treat when you get a good exam result or a party on your birthday – these are people who will throw a party for you or treat you to a movie just to celebrate your happiness – your smile.

They are your true friends – the true people who want you to have a good life. They deserve your love.  You don’t lawyas have to express this love that you feel for these ‘special’ people. You don’t need to – they just understand. And they will be there, always.

Generally, the categories overlap. As in – the ones who are there for you when you cry are the ones who are there for you when you celebrate. But sometimes, this doesn’t happen. It is then that people in the second category emerge – The love that happens many times.

This league of friends genuinely feel happy for you and honestly wish to see u smiling. They are the people who you meet later in life. These are not necessarily the people you went to school or college with. They are the people you come across through the journey of life. (A little too philosophical ;)… well… they can be from school or college… sort of like those whom you have lost touch with or those who you connected with much later!)

So, they basically have a different life and a different “Agenda” to fulfil. Something like Kung-Fu panda (If you haven’t watched the films, you should!) – Each has a Destiny to fulfil. So, their ‘Destiny’ is different. Hence, these special people you meet and love may come and then leave; to pursue their own destinies since the purpose of their existence is not the same as yours. Along this path, where we are all set to attain a ‘fulfilment on our personal Agenda’, asking for someone to stay, forever, seems a little unlikely and unfair.

Which is why, you may stand up for them and they may hold your hand and stand by You…. But someday, somewhere, somehow the path will diverge and they shall have to move away. Perhaps with warmth, perhaps with bitterness. But the love does happen and it stays. It remains silent, it probably falls asleep forever – but it exists; it happens and it isn’t dishonest, negative or untrue.

The purists of society will then present their views about the ‘One person’, the ‘soul-mate’, the ‘Alter-ego’ who completes you. That man or woman will join you and complete your life, living with you. There is no debate on the existence of such a human being. If there is someone made for you, he/she shall walk into your life. But, will they just walk in? And everything will be set? Is life really that easy?

Besides, what about life until that person arrives?

What if I am to meet my ‘soul mate’ at 50? Should I not love the universe until then?

This is a choice that we have to make.  We can easily decide to be practical sceptics, and refrain from any emotional attachment. And I am sure, all of us will turn out just fine!

It’s just a matter of choice.

In a situation like this, I’d prefer to love the universe. To love easily. To be hurt, perhaps sometimes – and then heal gradually – because it’s only love that can happen again.

There have been times however, when I said to myself, that I don’t want to be close to anyone. I don’t want to trust – I don’t want to be light, free-spirited and myself.  I have told myself that I want to be an ‘adult’ who is not her true self before the world. But, inevitably, it only becomes harder to not be yourself than to be – it’s harder to stop yourself from being kind, warm and not-restricted. It’s easier to work when you only have your ‘work’ to worry about and not who you are trying to be or hide from the world.

This is why love can happen many times.

The kind of love that doesn’t see foe, friend or gender – I have friends of the opposite gender whom I love very much non-romantically; I have lady-friends who I call my ‘true loves’ because they can always be counted upon and then there are some who I may love and who may not love me back. This class also includes those who have hurt me at some point of time or the other.

Strange as it may sound, somehow, I even feel an attachment for those who haven’t been my strength and support. Well… maybe I shouldn’t call it attachment – but some space in my heart is occupied by those people as well, with whom things haven’t been very ‘pretty’. (This could perhaps be because after a point of time, it’s only the ‘intensity’ of emotion that remains and not really the good or bad? Hmm… too random! Just a thought ;))

So, there are these beautiful and not so beautiful people who enter your life and become a sort-of-love. (We can call them the ‘temporary-loves’ if you want to ;)).

When these relationships end, they may shake us a bit but they leave us with a lot. (again… sounds too philosophical?  But it’s not that complex 😛 ) It is these encounters that help us find ourselves – through tears or through love, thorough pain or through power – people in our lives influence who we are. What I mean here is that, they influence you in a way that you define what your choices are. Irrespective of whether they revoke a positive response or a negative response from you, it is the response that counts. It makes you define yourself.

Now what are these positive and negative responses?

What about the ‘romantic” loves?

Why do romantic loves happen many times? Or do they or do they not?

Can there be simultaneous loves?

Well, if you found this post interesting, stay tuned 🙂

We shall discuss the kinds of love-s and how they happen on another day, very very soon.

For now, I am leaving you with this song that you MUST send to those you love! Go ahead… it’s OKAY to love 🙂

Cheers,

A

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