Singlehood Vs. The lifestyle break-up | Should you try to work on your relationship?  

It’s a weekend morning and I am watching TV with breakfast. 220px-Sonu_Ke_Titu_Ki_Sweety_-_Movie_Poster

Actually, I am watching a lot of  it these days, I can hear my mum mumbling in the background. I am sipping my tea. The movie that’s playing is ‘Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety’; a film that I am guilty of watching twice on the big screen, enjoying it thoroughly with friends and then taking my family to watch it too, because … Well! It’ was humorous.

Boy meets girl. Best friend doesn’t like girl. Boy and girl break up, in a string of comic sequences.

As destiny would have it, a month after the release of this film in 2018, I would go on to be introduced to one of my client’s best friends, “a match destined to be” as most would predict, I would go on to experience the deepest relationship of my life and then, just like the protagonist, I would fall short of getting hitched.

The film was a super hit with fun songs, cute boys and hawt girls. But reality is a little different. I wonder, are we all turning towards a more fickle existence or co-existence?

It’s sad.  If the reason for us to end a relationship  is based on comments, prejudice, status, or mere differences, it is sad.

I survived the crumbling of my relationship but I now become deeply moved when someone tells me they broke up or their marriage isn’t working out. It breaks my heart to see people give up and a silent prayer creeps up that says, “Please don’t.”

Why do we want to give up?

And then again, why do we want relationships?

I am walking into a meeting when I am greeted by this vibrant and confident girl, “Hello Apsara” she says, “How are you? Remember we met a few years back”.

I acknowledge with an equally big smile and greet her. Even though I remember her as another’s friend’s girlfriend from a few years ago; his work and social circle defining both of them, on most days, today, I can see her.

No reflection of him or his presence and I think to myself, that’s the kind of women we ought to be! Having our own identities even if our better-half has a grander one. It’s not about the ego or the money, it’s about having a little something that’s your own.  It’s about our contribution. Like I have always believed that not each one of us might have a need to earn the bread-and-butter; but let that not be a reason for us to reduce our contribution and underestimate our potential. This girl, was more than someone’s girlfriend today, and totally seemed to be living that.

DSM_BreakingUp_episodeUntil a couple meetings later, in a casual interaction she mentions, “Well, it’s a year since we went apart.” And I in-turn become overtly apologetic.

She, on the contrary, consoles me saying “It’s okay Apsara. His life and work really took over and he wasn’t in a frame of mind to commit to marriage. We mutually went apart.”

We exchange pleasantries and I leave. But in my heart, I am deeply moved.

Why does a man or a woman have to let go on the basis of work or pressure? Aren’t those the times that we ought to stand up to eachother or make space to accommodate the other? What fantasy do we all live in! Myself included. They always said that love isn’t a bed of roses. But now, when we see the thorns, we leave. In an article, actor Ayushman Khurrana’s wife Tahira mentions how she wanted to leave when Aayushman shot to fame, because they were in different spaces; and how he held on, and how they ultimately did.  (The anchor of a moving philosophy of humanistic values and  Nicherim Buddhism does indeed reflect in their lives, I have always felt it. In recent interviews they have confirmed the same)

In other words, one of us, has to be adamant. One of us, has to make sure we don’t give up.

At my office,the very same day, I am speaking to one of my associates on the phone regarding some financial decisions, when I casually ask him, towards the end of the call, how he and his new bride are doing.

He replies in the negative, saying, “Well, Apsara, I am on the verge of a divorce.”

I swallow a lump in my throat and without even realizing what I am saying I ask sincerely, “Can I speak to her? Can I do anything to help?” and he replies baffled, “Of course not Apsara, you don’t even know. her”

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Aah, I check myself, true. I don’t even know him for that matter! Nevertheless, I invite him to tea and we talk at length. “I don’t know why she married me” he says, “because she never even spoke to me. She judged me for who I am, the money I earn, the life I live, the person I am and left.” “I din’t stop her.” he continued, “After a point, I din’t want to either.”

A melancholic tea party ends with a warm good bye and text message from him saying that he appreciates my listening, while I stare back into silence wondering why this affects me.

Perhaps because it’s the same story over and over again. Our sense of validation from the prism of comparison, our sense of external acceptance without our own, our attempt to build a relationship with communication taking the backseat… In a way we are all in search for a ‘right partner’, even though it’s different from the 90’s bollywood myth of finding the ‘soulmate’. Today,  in stark contrast, it is about self’ at the Centre and ‘choice’ as the mantra.

I am drawn back to the boys in the film. The best friend says “Hazaron mil jayengi”, (you will find 1000 girls) who don’t want commitment but only physical intimacy.  And  I wonder does physical intimacy motivate marriage or commitment? 661127-sonu-ke-titu-ki-sweety

Even as I ask the question I laugh in my head at how futile it is. It does and it doesn’t! In our times, I am not sure sex can be a primary motive because we are liberated.

No matter how orthodox our culture, the youth are far more progressive, liberal and self-aware. In this space, a physical relationship can be established even while dismissing the need for an emotional commitment. I personally know many promiscuous couples, that have great understanding.

In short, in this space, when sex doesn’t become the reason for a relationship to hold, what does? To each the answer will vary. And for that answer, for that reason, we need to work on our relationships.

For the best years of my life I enjoyed singlehood, precisely because I believed I would decide marriage when I meet someone I want to discuss the prospects with!  That worked for me but I must admit that Singlehood is different, and being single after a break-up from a long term or serious commitment is different. It’s never the same. So then, why do so many of us go through this?

And THIS is the pressing concern that we need to address when we get into a relationship or think about commitment. 772d9e9c9113ad72476c4885d681ae58

Sex is easy to find, companionship…. Not as much. So, will you get a “better option?” Sure you will! A hotter girl or a more handsome guy, a smarter woman or better qualified man, a richer woman or a more affluent businessman – sure, you will find a better option but a better partner? A better companion? Well, that takes effort.

It does.

And whoever that companion is, he or she has tough competition! Oh yes! Because we live in an age that is ruled by amazon prime and netflix. They give us good company, easily transforming days into months and months into years.  Adding to this our travel goals and shopping targets? Well, certainly our professional lives will take the forefront!

For the EMIs I pay on that expensive car I drive  or the exotic vacation I want to go on, the lifestyle I keep or the social memberships I maintain – for everything I will push myself to work longer hours and make more money.

But will I compromise my relationship? Maybe.

Should I? May be not.

And that breaks my heart. And so, I will give free advise:

Don’t give up. Speak, listen, discuss, share, let go, build, celebrate. Just don’t give up that easy.

Giving up on a relationship is the easiest thing to do in 2019 and hence forth. And probably the cooler thing to do too. But, it’s harder to work on it and keep it going.

I am not asking you to stick in an abusive relationship (physical, financial or mental) but  I am asking you to work on the busy relationship, the one with differences, or the one with no communication; even the one with less spark.

If you fight because you can’t make time, make time.

If you fight because she doesn’t cook well, well then, teach her.
If you don’t respect him because he doesn’t earn as much as you, then, pay the bills yourself.

It’s not about man versus woman, it’s about man and woman. We all need to walk that mile, that distance and that effort. We all need to appreciate the person on the other side just as much as we need to – the person on the inside.

For the longest time I remember, I shied away from the idea of relationship or marriage and perhaps, that’s why I consistently met men who were ‘interested’ but not ‘willing’ to commit. A large part of that phaze went in denying my own truth and pretending it never existed. But it did. A void did. The deep desire for a real and meaningful relationship did.

And then it happened. (After I had pledged to not indulge in any romances for more than a year, phew.)

The deepest and the most relevant relationship of my life. One that taught me the value of family, that brought me closer to understanding my own insecurities, and one that taught me the importance of conversation. One that healed me. I have no memory of the emptiness that I felt before meeting him and I don’t feel the void after him.

Perhaps, that’s why what Emma Whatson means when she says, “I am self-partnered” makes absolute sense to me.

Perhaps relationships are meant to change something within and in-turn, change destiny for the better? Perhaps.

I sought and received the committed relationship that I needed; it may look incomplete to the world because it dint end in marriage, but for me? It was complete.

By now my tea is over and so is the movie. I smile. Didn’t I begin by wondering why my friend and his girlfriend had to part ways? Or why my associate should suffer a broken marriage? Perhaps their story is similar. And like mine, perhaps their journey was complete.

The empowered singlehood with no void, equips me to continue my pursuit in work and passion but having known the void  and the process of the void being filled up,  makes me revere the brilliance of relationship and what it can do to a person.

I recollect sharing with a close friend, how wonderful I felt at completing 50 theatre projects successfully and she replied, “great, it’s good you are distracted”.

And that pricked.

I wasn’t working to be distracted from my break-up. I was working out of the love for my work. I was working out of genuine happiness.  the self-aware people that we are becoming, the more of us are choosing careers that we love and doing work that gives us sense of fulfilment. In cases where it doesn’t, we have dual careers (like myself and many others). And that’s why work,  can never define our sentiment towards relationship.

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In mine I learnt putting the other before myself while being cared for, I learnt how time can fly and freeze at the same time, I learnt what breeze, waves, silence, laughter, and memories can mean and how deep and meaningful conversations can cure everything; and for that, I will urge everyone who is reading this to give your relationship another chance.

I know it’s tough, I know the rocks have waves crashing down on them, I know that you dint sign up for half the things you experience, but still, I will urge you both to not give up …. Not on the relationship and neither on yourself.

In my head you see, there is an epilogue to the film, where the fairytale continues. In reality you see, it should…. We should make it happen & it ultimately, absolutely should!

Her conversations with the Ocean

I am sipping tea, and we’re standing between Mumbai and Vadodara, somewhere on the highway. Everyone’s sleeping in the bus, after all, it’s 3 AM and we’re tired after a long day, an exhaustive performance, so much travel, and a workshop on ‘voice and speech’. We travelled by bus, a team of 10 people, to a festival which was competitive in nature. We came back with a merit and few words of appreciation. An experience to remember.

With 2 nights of constant travel, the driver needed rest. We halted. I stepped out. Behind me came one of my youngest team mates, ‘you know, paranormal activity happens between 3:00 AM and 4:00 AM’ he said. “Is it?” I inquired curfc423c07-032b-4240-bf74-bdedc28957a3iously, with a smile. Another colleague got down and joined me for tea, “It’s 3:30 AM” I smiled, “eerie time to be awake huh?”;  “Perhaps!” said the 15 year old.  “But we have the moon with us! The light will help.” said my colleague, and we looked up to the sky. Interestingly mesmerizing, was the view of the moon. We stood in silence, sipping tea and drawing inferences. I could hear the ocean, distant. I could also hear the winds, in conversation.

Theatre is like an ocean” my colleague had said in the workshop, where the mentor asked us why we do theatre. Theatre is like a ocean. “Why would you say that?” I ask him now, in an afterthought. He says, “It’s beyond the purview of our common sight.”  “You may read a dailogue and simply speak it out, but the depths that lie in each word, need a lot more of reading between the lines, flowing between the lines to really comprehend.” He says, in a matter of fact manner.

I knew, I always knew it is beyond.

In fact, in one of my childhood poems I had a line about my dreams (theatre), it ended on the sentence, ‘I know it calls me far beyond, than where I walk to it.”

In this journey, it called me beyond my limits, my language, my identity, my perspectives, my belief systems, and my spirituality too.

Something like Love.

We begin our journeys in love with a certain belief system. With a certain expectation. With a certain idea. For some it’s traditional, for some it’s free spirit – but ultimately, it is a belief system. And when that doesn’t work, we either feel rejected or we feel dejected. Isn’t it?

For one thing, I have always been liberal, generous, and spontaneous. I have been loving, and caring too. I have centred my life, around love. I have made it a priority too. And still I find myself, disappointed in some ways. Though, happy in some too.

Happy because I centred my life around love, but it wasn’t one love.

Yes! As disturbing, ironical, disgraceful as that may sound – it wasn’t one love. I centred my life around love for my people and love for my work. I centred my life around my romance with a person and with an idea.

In most cases, the ideas survived, the person taught me something more about life and left. The disappointment isn’t so much in leaving, as much as how the goodbyes happen.  This song perfectly defines it, ‘Mana ke hum yaar nahi”, where she says “raaste mein jab milo toh, hath milane ruk jana.” Effectively, yes, we aren’t friends anymore but can we still greet eachother on the crossroads of life? In respect of our past. Let’s begin with believing that we were right people, just different in opinion and expectations; is it possible to achieve this each time we are disappointed in people?

And perhaps that’s where my disappointment lies. In the love that despises, rejects, turns away and disowns. Like you never existed. Like life, goes on, like it never mattered and it never counted. Do we really need to be heartless to be strong? Do we have to be free from emotions to be brave?alia-bhatt_640x480_71478076956

But then, even as these questions persists, the answers lie in the second love. More often than not, I found that these encounters smooth out, that people do come back in one way or the other. It’s rare that someone who mattered too much to you, walked out and you never saw or heard of them again. Even in death, one will certainly walk to the funeral of the other. I especially like that scene in the movie, Dear Zindagi, the last scene, when Kyra makes her film and at the premiere, are each of her past flames. Putting their past behind them and respecting that journey, you seem them cheer her on.alia-bhatt-4

And you can see, what has set her free! It wasn’t another ‘shoulder’; it wasn’t another person, but her romance with life, her love for her work.

Yes, there was a Shahrukh Khan in Dear Zindagi too.

A special friend, a special bond that helped her find her calling, her ‘second love’ (her work), but it didn’t take away anything from her own journey. The interaction helped her define her own ways and routes, and in the end, that’s what we need to strive for.

“It’s 4 AM” says my 15 year old friend, “What are you thinking so much?”

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Applause Vadodara at BHAVAI 2017, Mumbai

“Nothing” I reply, “just about our Play!”  The play, Kundalu by Makarand Musale, was about 3 characters: “A” who is stuck in his circle and strongly believes that life is meant to be lived in limits, “B” who is trying to understand the limits while being curious about the horizons beyond and “C” who has lived a life of explorations, beyond the questions, followed the heart, respected the struggles and cherished the journey.

“Ah! You were thinking about the end right? Which path did B chose? The life of security or the life of discovery!” he asks excitedly.

Our play din’t have an end, and left it to the imagination of the audience, which path to take.

“Whichever way you go, just don’t get stuck in the same circle” adds my colleague, as the three of us walk back to the bus.06068cfb-e9ff-421e-b53c-b597dd75f5e1

I smile on the inference, it’s ultimately about growing, becoming better, stronger, wiser and closer to the  self, and not make the same mistakes.  It’s about breaking the limits – the circles, the loops that twine our thoughts, confuse our actions and end up limiting our journey. Like the performing the play, Kundalu, taught us.

Taking it a little further…

Don’t get into the loops that chain you. Set yourself free.

Continue to love, though you can love differently.

Let there be romances,

Just make sure there are two 😉

One with the person

And one with you!

 

As I get back into the bus, I can hear the ocean call me. They are both my love and my friendship. My passion, my theatre, my romance as well as my companion, my listener and my lyric.

She as1ked the ocean,

“What do you see?”

He said “I see footsteps,

And a long journey”.2

She asked the ocean,

what is sunset?

He smiled, it’s the beginning,

for a new day you must rest.

She asked the ocean, “where do you head?3

Will I see you again or is this an end?”

He returned in response, as a gentle touch, as a wave,

“You can see me when you want, I am right where you left.”

4

She asked the ocean,

“What language do you speak?”

He answered in a riddle,

“Ask your heart what it seeks.”

‘S5he asked the ocean,

“what is love and what is friendship?”

He answered with comfort,

“that my waves merge in deepness is love,

and that is return is friendship”

~ Apsra

And let me leave you with the song that I mentioned earlier, and while you hear it, please pen down your thoughts in the comments or write to me at apsara.iyengar@gmail.com.

Lots of love, always!

Apsara

 

The Relationship and the Claw

You don’t want to go there but it’s like an imaginary claw is stuck in your chest, it pulls you forward. You don’t want to go there. But there is no other way out. You are pulled, and pulled. But wait! This can’t happen. After all, wasn’t this so beautiful? Okay. It wasn’t all that beautiful, but like they say – a known devil is better than an unknown one! You knew this one. You knew this world.

You know these roads, these sands, these places, these trees, this music, this weather. You know it all. You identify. You may not relate to but you understand. Wait. Hold on. That’s not enough, right? Understanding isn’t enough. You have to accept, you have to stay. You have to give up. And then you see in this world of yours, there are hardly the things you unpacked. So the things you brought aren’t there anymore.

You don’t have your favorite diary or you favorite dress. You don’t have that picture frame someone gifted you, years back, and that you loved. You don’t have that old guitar you used to play. You don’t have even your Cinderella shoes! You look around and you know everything about this place, you love it, you value it, you adore it but then, it doesn’t have your flavor in there. It doesn’t have your stories, your memories, your views, your thoughts, your identity. It’s just not there.

And suddenly, everyone thinks you are going to continue waiting, just like you waited before. What you did voluntarily, they expect unconditionally. They expect you to wait, and love and understand. You hardly spoke because you were in the ‘i-support-you/you all’ mode, but somehow that became a habit. Now, you can’t speak unless it’s your turn and you know what? It’s never your turn. You don’t want to leave because love is not a matter of whims; it is a choice but not a whim. To act on our emotion is upon us, but to feel that emotion, not always. And so, you don’t want to leave because your heart is there. But then, your heart is indeed your heart!  What is life if your heart has no love or space for yourself? What is life if you heart only gives and doesn’t consider receiving? It’s not like people don’t love you or you don’t receive any warmth. You do. But what is life if your own need for warmth is only secondary? Probably, not even secondary. Probably your own need isn’t even visible to you.

Until that one point, when the invisible claw climbs into your chest and attempts to pulls out your heart. What is the need for your own heart in your own body when you have no value for it? Why must it stay with you? Donate it. Give it away. Throw it away.

You consider the option of donation. Why not? If you heart, has no value for you, then why not give it away to someone else who can live with it. But then again, what is the sense of a heart that doesn’t beat? What good will it do to give a dead heart to living soul that needs a real thriving beautiful heart to help it heal?

This is too much philosophy for you and so you decide not to listen to the claw. You ignore it, but then it pulls you forward. Slowly, slowly, and slowly a little more. Ouch! You squeal. Wait. I didn’t see that coming. And suddenly, it hurts, and it hurts beyond more. And you don’t how what’s happening. You don’t want to leave, but you don’t want your heart to be pulled out by that evil claw. You fight it, your struggle, a tear rolls down your eyes. You are weeping but you won’t give up the fight. Either you fight the claw and stay where you are, put your heart back and pump it up with life, or you let the heart go, away, distant, someplace you don’t know. You don’t know what that claw will do with your heart.

But wait a second, you have tears and you squeal isn’t too subtle; they can indeed hear you. Then why aren’t they coming forward? Surely they can do this much, can’t they? Can’t they just walk up and hold your hand, or help you claw out the claw. But they are just there, watching. Wait, they aren’t even watching. They aren’t even interested. What exactly is happening? Do you not exist. Do you? Did you just cease to exist for them? But you are a live person and you are right there. But they can’t see you or they chose to look away? The only energy you know is the claw that is pulling your heart away from you and you don’t want that to happen. Or maybe you do. You don’t know but the pain is getting too much. If you let the heart go, you will be numb and things will be fine. You want have a beating heart to worry about or warm emotion waiting to heal, you will not feel and you will be fine. But you still don’t want to give up the fight. You don’t want to resign. You don’t want to be defeated. And so, you walk. You walk in the direction that the claw is pulling you in. After all, how bad can it get? The world that was so meaningful to you doesn’t see you anymore, you don’t even exist. What is the point of being there? You walk. You heart aches, you can see it torn out a little with the claw but you continue to walk. You walk. You walk. You continue to walk. It hurts, it pains, but you continue to walk. And then you see, you are right before a cliff. A cliff? A cliff, really? But what sense does this make? Why a cliff? Why all this walk and all this claw and all this pain and then a cliff? Why? What meaning does this have? But I don’t know how to fly. How will I save my life? Or is my life anything at all? Do I serve any purpose or have a mission to draw? You see the cliff and pull back a little but as you go closer, you know you want to be there. You want to jump. But you don’t know how to fly. And you still want to. You want to jump. You take some small steps forward. Suddenly you hear your old world calling you back. Your eyes light up with hope and a small smile comes up in a glint of the eye, but when you hear them closely, you notice they only have reprimanding words to share, they expect you to wait and stare a little longer and of course, take the blame. May be it is your fault. May be you were always wrong. Maybe you just made the big mistake of calling your world your world.

But if your wor4142942-happy-girl-alone[1]ld is calling you and all it has to say, is that you aren’t good enough, then, it’s time to go off to the cliff. You turn to the cliff. Your tears wiped back. The claw doesn’t hurt and then at the count of three, you jump. You actually jump. You actually jump down from the cliff. You feel free. Absolutely free. There are tears of joy now, and your heart is free. It’s absolutely set free, even  more than you could have ever imagined. And your heart has wings! You never knew. You thought you couldn’t fly but then, your heart has wings! It can set you free, it can make you fly! If it wasn’t for the claw and it wasn’t for the cliff, how would you ever know that an end could be a new beginning? That an end could be your beginning? That your heart can have a way to take you away, and heal you to happiness? How would you have ever known.  For some people, they jump down their own cliff only to find each other again, with parachutes. The parachutes save them from falling, save them from drowning in the sea or  being lost in the sky. Sometimes they land on the same ground, sometimes they walk a short distance before the claw and the cliff, another one ofcourse, waits for them. And then they jump. And the story goes on. For others, like yourself, there is just the claw. The claw is like a clutch. It will open the parachute when it is time for you to land. Until, enjoy the flight. It’s morning again, it’s dawn, it’s a beautiful day and you are absolutely free. You have no memory of any baggage you have no pain to carry. The old world is another world now, you live in another destiny. There is a new life to your heart, you rejoice it. You see it thrive and you enjoy it. You donate a little of your heart too, after all what’s the harm? This is good stuff. Your thriving heart can make a difference. You smile. Because you are free.  You have found meaning in loving yourself. Abundant love. Abundant compassion. Abundant happiness. You have learnt to fly. you have learnt to land. You have learnt to love. You have learnt to lose. And you have learnt to survive. You smile as you fly, the cliff after all, was the greatest lesson you learnt and the most beautiful experience of your life.

Thank you.

 

The Relationship and the claw is more of a rant and I hope that I will record and perform it someday! Contrary to the first read you will notice that it’s neither negative, nor so much about romantic relationships, as much as it is about our own emotions and feelings of being ‘trapped’. This could be a situation in love, marriage, work, friendships, siblings, comrades or anyone for that matter.  The key learning is that the heart has wings! 🙂 Everyone’s heart has wings! We have to let ourselves go, we have to let ourselves fly, we have to allow ourselves to enjoy the flight, because victory lies on the other end of our challenges! And joy lies in making it to the other side and knowing that you are still okay. Happiness lies is knowing that we all will make it and we all simply need to trust that we will!

This post is more of a monologue, performance material and if you wish to use it, please reach out to me and keep me informed! I wrote this a few days ago, and my friends encouraged me to publish it as a special on my birthday! So, there you go. Just in time! Hope that this year we write more, talk more and have more stories and learning to share. Have an amazing day!

p.s. Thanks Shubh! See, now you’re mentioned on my blog 😀 it’s your lucky day too, just like mine! 😉

Into The Silence

girl,lost,photography,shadow,dancing,female-0df26441e9bfdf935680b31ab2abaded_h

Sometimes I turn to my left and silently stare out of the window. Amongst the wind, amongst the sound of moving traffic, amongst the chirping birds, sometimes I hear you. A little bit of our conversations. A little bit of your smile. A little of your cheer. How clear your heart was! How easily you smiled. How much of your chatter had no baggage. How easy it was for you to dream. How every day, you had something new to look forward to. How every now and then, you had something for me to look forward to. I could though, always look up to you. How there was so much for you to admire around; how much of you for me to admire around. Sometimes, I look at silent spaces and I can feel your shadow. Like you exist, still. In my thoughts, in my letters, may be. Perhaps in my ideas and my actions too. Sometimes I listen to the sound of the wind, because it can’t be that harsh. It can’t be that untrue. Could this really be true. Could it be true that I exist and you don’t? Could love end then. Would you never know where I stand, what I feel? Would I never know how your day is, has been or will be? Will you have another day, somewhere? Will you exist, again? In some other universe? Or will you not? Will you cease forever? Will the door never open? Sometimes I look at the path not taken and wonder where you would be. Sometimes, I wonder, if you still exist. If you do, I wonder if you still smile. That radiant smile. The vibrant chatter. That heart full of love and dreams and that bucket full of wish list. Sometimes I wonder, if you were true, if I were true at all. Sometimes I turn to the left and silently stare, out of the window, into the silence and talk to the shadow.

 

 

Do Not Fall in Love with Such a Man

Don’t fall in love with a guy who kisses you on the forehead. Do not fall in love with a guy who inspires you to be more than who you are.

Who tells you on your face that you are wrong but still continues to love you. Don’t fall in love with a guy who will answer your call even at 12 in the night and make sure that you are okay.

Do not fall in love with a guy who simply accepts your life, friends and friendships and never questions you on them. Do not fall in love with a guy who can be Romeo and come down just to see you and nothing else. Do not fall in love with a guy with whom you CAN have long conversations – that are non romantic. Do not fall in love with a guy who listens and who shares his dreams with you and seeks your opinion on matters that concern him. Do not fall in love with a guy who is transparent.

Don’t even think of falling in love with a guy who lets you hold his hand and also holds yours and walks forward, as he realizes his and you realize your dreams…. because when you fall in love with a man of such character, irrespective of whether he stays in love with you or not, irrespective of whether life takes you apart or not, you will never come back and be the same. You will struggle to be completely and entirely independent because his love will have changed you.  Either you keep him forever, or do not fall in love with such a man at all.

~ Apsara Iyengar

Inspired from Martha Rivera-Garrido – http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/3246253-don-t-fall-in-love-with-a-woman-who-reads-a – Do not fall in love with a woman

 

Do Not Fall in Love with a Man - Apsara Iyengar

 

27 and Single – Coping with ‘Bidai’ of your Male friends.

It’s 10.30 p.m. and my friends call me, “Hey! We’re coming to pick you. Tea treat!”

“Sure! What’s the occasion?” I ask.

And my question is answered as I get into the car and we start talking.

“That’s like an arranged marriage turning into a love story?” I conclude, after hearing a detailed version of how a friend fell in love with the girl he went to see for an arranged marriage. We all rejoice but only before one strange interaction.

Someone comments, “But you know what! We just can’t meet like this once we’re married.” The girls look at each other. “Sure” we say, marriage does shift priorities. It’s obvious to be busy and occupied once married.

But strangely the conversation shifts gears and all of a sudden the guys are talking about all the permissible limits of our friendships as though friendship with women is more like a drug – not allowed post marriage. I start to feel a little uncomfortable.

After all, weren’t these the same guys we grew up with? Can we so easily over look the many years of school or college or work – the various walks from where we women, know the men in our lives – and simply accept an instruction to tone down our warmth and affections?

The weather is suddenly more chilly. Someone brings us all Tea and we hold the cups in hand to re-construct warmth on a chilly December, winter evening.

One of the guys, once again starts to speak of an “All guys trip”

The girls look at eachother as they animatedly make plans.

“Hello!” we say, “aren’t we a part of the plans?”

“But once we (the guys) are married, we won’t get a chance to travel together and have fun. You girls should understand.”

And instantly I feel two things.

  1. With the men getting married, they want us to know that they can’t really be ‘friends’ with the girls, the way they were before.
  2. With the men getting married, they don’t want the girls to be a part of the plans, trips, get-togethers they’re planning, somewhat in preparation for a married life ahead.

And the ‘dost-dost-na-raha’ feeling stares in the face.

I am reminded of the feeling I had in 2010, which led to the inception of Half A Cup of Tea with the blogpost, “All About Being a Girl“. Yes, I felt that same strong urge to write.

I am close to 27 now and my standards of finding a partner, are high. I must first fall in love and be convinced enough to marry. But that’s my personal life and my choice.

Being a single woman or a woman not married yet, does not mean  that we’re likely of pinning intangible expectations on people we know!

My friendship with the men in my life is irrespective of their commitment or marital status. And that’s simply because – friendship is different and romantic love, different.

This film is a classic example of friendship, I tell you!
This film is a classic example of friendship, I tell you!

And then again, we do love the people in our lives, don’t we? And how do you express the love and affection you feel for people, when they aren’t birth – siblings? Like I love my sister. I give her a hug. I love my friend, I give him or her a hug. Aren’t friends, to some extent, close to siblings?

Friends are the people we grow old with. Sure, we have spouses and partners and cousins – but friends are peers. And so, should a change in relationship status reflect upon your associations with others?

Being a feminist, and someone who has forever lived in a male-world, I somehow always surpass gender in my associations. Sure I have learnt of “ways of men” and I know of a language that I may never speak, but I accept them the way they are and see no difference in my friendship extended to men.

The discussions on a guys-only-vacation start to ensue once again: On chats, groups, meet-ups and once again I find myself revolting to the very idea.

I think we as women, understand. We understand other women. We understand that women would like their men to be committed and ask me on any day, and that is exactly what I will advocate to any guy friend in my life.

But, when your friendship dates back in years and months, knowing eachother as individuals, growing professionally, personally and emotionally – then must gender come in the way at all?

One of the girls chirps in, “Apsara, you know what! We’re all going to be the same before and after marriage, it’s the guys who are going to change. Bidai ladkon ki ho rahi hai.” (We’re giving away the guys in marriage. )

I do totally respect and understand that friendship always has to be two ways – if the guys don’t want to keep it, it’s not going to exist.

And that again raises two points:

  1. What are the ethics of friendship if it is “okay” now and “not okay” after being committed?Ally Committed to Future Concept

If that’s the case, then one must not encourage anything that cannot be explained to our future partners.

There is this strange scene I remember from one of my favorite TV series: Ally Mc Beal, Where she talks to her roommate saying “I feel a sense of commitment to my future partner, even before I have met him”.  All though the statement is weird, it does ring a sense of truth.

  1. Does the guy have a say or not?

I remember having this discussion with a girl-friend once and she said “I think he would need to put his foot down and tell both the women that they matter and they better cope with the fact that they hold different but significant value in his life. I think…. That’s a step the guy needs to take, make and walk.”

And that brings me back to my disappointment with society! Yes…. now the matter has escalated and I ask a greater question: despite so many years that we have come as a society, we still face these challenges of perception.

I remember my early twenties, where an over intrusive admirer had a problem with every male individual in my life. He was almost a stalker and he called me once, while I was meeting a friend.

Stalker: Where are you?Hypothesis: The Thinking Girl.

Girl: Umm xyz place.

Stalker: What are you doing there?

Girl: Umm discussing work with abc.

Stalker: How can you be at xyz with a guy?

Girl: <blank>

Stalker: I am coming there.

Girl: <blank>

Stalker arrives.

Stalker: Why are you here?

Girl: <No answer because the stalker deserves no explanation>

Girl <in the head> : Because my friends are the ones who have stood by me through years of test and times of struggle, they have shared my joys and offered a hand – in love and friendship. And HENCE – I am here.

And perhaps I am too ambitious to expect the same answer from all the men in my life.

To expect that they place our friendship at the same degree, level and stature as I do – as women do in general – without the gender coming in the way

Of course we have our own little things – the girls night outs, conversations and to-do lists. And the guys certainly have a lot more of that – the guys parties, the bike rides at 2 am and other things – which the girls are not a part of. And that is fine.

The Guy Things!            The Girl Things!

But what stings a bit, slightly, is the idea … of letting go, in advance…. For reasons that are best unsaid. That’s what pricks!

And that takes me back to the ideas of Love that I have frequently discussed in the past years – love must happen, we must grow and evolve. We should be open to idea of Love and in a similar way, in friendship with gender differences, we should be open to idea of letting go.

Yes, I am open to the idea of letting go – just as I am open to the idea of falling in love or living single based on circumstances. If the men in our lives have women who are not comfortable with us, then the possibilities of friendship taking a backseat arises. (I am talking about people not having time. That’s fine. My best friends I haven’t spoken to in ages but I know the friendship stands) But if the women respect eachother and role of friendship in the lives of their men – would a healthy, beautiful relationship, friendship and extended family not be possible?

It strangely gives me a feeling of women being typecast – I am telling, that’s not true. The woman you love will never be insecure if you love her enough.

It all depends on the way WE conduct our relationships.

I am taking the liberty of quoting another friend’s girlfriend here. (A story very close to my heart and couple whose kids I am going to spoil :p)

My friend had stopped talking to me over certain misconceptions. And my repeated requests to understand the problem had failed. Eventually, after months of void, I received a letter from him reviving our friendship. It was his partner who has encouraged him to do so.

In a private conversation with her one day, when I thanked her for being understanding and considerate in encouraging my friendship with her partner, despite barely knowing me as a person, she said – I could see what an inspiring companionship you both shared. And I must respect that. Had I had friends who were male and had I shared similar rapport with them, would I not expect my boyfriend to understand and accept the friendships?

She moved me with her beautiful words because I know how much that friendship mattered to me.

On another day, I was to make a movie with a very dear friend. We’d once been founding members of a youth group, today we were meeting once again over a common goal. I desperately wanted to make the film and once he read the script, he loved it. We began work but repeatedly faced hurdles.

On one anxious day, I came across content that had striking resemblance to my piece of writing. I panicked and frantically tried to reach my friend over facebook chat. When I couldn’t get his response, I created a group chat adding his girlfriend and whining about the unexpected situation.

Within seconds she replied – Dear Apsara, relax and have faith in your work. I am sure the two of you are very talented and are going to do a remarkable job with the film. You must remain composed, irrespective of the fact that certain situations aren’t in our hands. I am sure when you make the film, it will be unbeatable. Trust me, it’s a very strong act.

The film is yet to be made, but what filled my heart with even more optimism was the fact that my friend’s girlfriend turned out to be the most mature 😀 handling both of us and encouraging a positive perspective and action plan.

These women, individuals in themselves, understand.

These women, us women, we understand: and that’s where women are beautiful.

On the threshold of 27, I see so many of my girlfriends married and many turned mothers – they are busy – raising their husbands and children (:p) BUT, I still haven’t lost them. Yes, we cried on the wedding day…. And we did all that drama for the women…. But strangely, and painfully, seems like it’s the MEN we’re bidding goodbyes to.

As we finish off with tea and head back home, I remain silent.

While the men prepare for marriage, it’s not that the single-women-friends are waiting to cling on and ‘be the same’. For the single, individual, even moderately ambitious woman,  we are NOT dependant on men and we will certainly NOT intrude on married life spaces. That I must receive the disclaimers, saddens! A little bit of my heart breaks there…. And the tea is JUST not enough.

I make myself a cup of tea and call a friend – I tell him I am disappointed.

He laughs. He asks me:

If you were committed, would you really want to hang out with your group as much, plan trips of travel with your friends and do things without your spouse or partner?

And I answer with puzzlement, “Why wouldn’t I?”

Perhaps my expectations from life are far too ambitious – but yes, if and when I am committed, I would

In memory of the first post "All about being a Girl" where I used a pic like this!
In memory of the first post “All about being a Girl” where I used a pic like this!

expect my partner to understand the associations in my life – the ones that have molded me and made me, Me. I will expect him to have his friendships and let me have mine. I would love for the circles to mix and blend and make one huge, harmonious family – but even if that does not happen, I doubt I’ll trade one set of relationships for another. I think the beauty and the challenge lies in balance and understanding.

Perhaps it’s a long shot for me, but for my married and committed friends, I pray that you keep your Friends and give each other space and freedom in relationship.

I pray that it be only responsibilities, physical distance, and life passions that possibly distance us – and not social limits of bias and sad presumptions that already fragment our society!

Write to me and let me know what you think:)

With Love,
Apsara

apsara.iyengar@gmail.com

Happy Mother’s Day

I wish I could do more for you,

I wish I could do something at least;

For all the trouble I’ve given you,

I wish I could do something indeed!

 

For all those times I have crossed you,

For all those times when I’ve been ill,

For all those times I’ve kept you awake

I wish I could do something indeed!

 

For all the dreams you must have seen

For all those that I did not fulfill,

For all those times that you deserved more,

I wish I could do something indeed!

 

For all those times you’ve smiled,

For those little things that make you happy,

For the frivolous anger that so easily disappears,

I wish I could do something indeed!

 

For all the times you’ve worked so hard,

For all the times you’ve kept yourself aside,

For all the times being unnoticed,

I wish I could do something indeed!

 

For all those times when you’ve scolded me,

With the best interest at heart,

For all those times when you’ve tried to understand,

Keeping differences apart;

For all the freedom you’ve given me,

And the way you’ve brought me up,

For seeing me through failure time and again,

And still not giving up;

For all the times you’ve been worried

And the times with not much hope,

For all the times you’ve been a mother

And the times you’ve held us together,

For little blames you take instead

And the times you forgive and forget;

For every little extra you’ve done,

I wish I could return,

As selfish as this may sound,

On your birthday,

I wish I can bring you something more

I wish for goodness and for peace

And that Somehow, someday;

I wish I manage to do for you, something at least indeed.

So yes! It is Mom’s birthday today and I’ve left everything aside JUST to write a post dedicated to her. Somehow, it seems like the toughest thing to do. Sometime back, in a random conversation with Mom over tea, she looked into my screen and said, “Is that a book?”. I said, “It’s just ideas listed. More like an index…. Yeah, it could possibly be a book!” She said, “Nice! So, write it for my birthday”. I said, “Okay :D” That way I’ll do something productive!

But no … I didn’t write the book. – Owing to my hyper active, more social, poorly organized, totally unscheduled and highly unplanned life, and extraordinary skill to come up with excuses, I haven’t written a word past that day. So yes, the book is far from written. But in the bid of even mentally trying to write it, I realized – that’s the only thing my mom EVER asked me to do for her.

And so, when I haven’t written any book, I thought let me at least write a post. And I’ve been struggling since morning – because I have absolutely NO clue where to start!

The point is that, we really aren’t those mushy – people straight out of Bollywood or Television. We don’t worship our mothers. We don’t wake up admiring them. We don’t keep them on any pedestal.

In fact, we just accept their presence.

And the worst situation is when you think you’re better than your parents. I think most teenagers go through that phase (or I am the most hopeless child a parent could have) where you think you know better. When you want things and you THINK you can get them. When you don’t realize that some things in life aren’t in your control. It’s only when life humbles you down, that you look around and observe the lives of people around you.

Until I was 19, I thought I could do and achieve everything I wanted, without even a proper direction (yes, I can greatly blame the education system for that. In another thread may be!). I still am pretty much ambitious, but back then, I thought I could do it on my own.

It’s only when life humbles you down, that you realize that the people around you matter so much. Until 19, you haven’t’ seen life. The journey begins after that.

I aspired, I failed. I tried again, and I failed. At each point I would turn back to realize that it’s indeed my family, that’s been there. I remember this conversation with mom; I asked her, “Mom, I don’t have the vigor in me anymore. I am not that vivacious, charming, confident, strong. I think I am just failing” and Mom would say, “You still have it in you. The way you fight with me, you still are as sharp as you were at 12! So, you do have it in you still.”

I asked mom, “Does everyone have to face so many ups and downs?” and she said, “No! Some people have a smooth life and simpler problems to deal with.” And then I ask, “how come you don’t give up on me?” and she says, “I don’t know how to.”

I remember the days before entrance results, when my mom has been praying hard for me. I remember days she has fasted for our family. I remember days she’s given up things for us all. And I remember saying, “Mom don’t do that” and she shouting at me and asking me to shut up. I remember being hurt by people, and my family defending me throughout.

I think we all have this phase in life (Teenage and early twenties) when it’s all about “having your own life”. Back then came a time when I didn’t like festivities (New Years Day, Friendships Day, Christmas, Diwali) because I dint matter enough to the people who mattered to me and festivities only meant a huge confusion on WHO to hang out with. And in a bid to keep away from the crowds of changing people and friendships, I realized that it was my family that remained unchanged. I think more so, as you grow older, you get closer to your families because you realize that your equations with the world outside may keep changing, but with the people who love you by default, it should only get stronger! 

So what I am getting to is that, Mom’s birthday has just become a reason for me to thank her, my family and to realize all these things about life! 😛 Happy Birthday Mom! Your the best…. 🙂

And yes, you can accuse me of ‘thinking too much’…  😛 My Mom’s definitely going to kill me for this post 😀  But that’s okay 😉 That’s it for now. Do write in and share your thoughts! And Do like the page – Half A Cup Of Tea

And I don’t know WHY I feel like hearing this song. But somehow feels like this. So, here adding the song: 

Falling In Love More Than Once – Part 2

The other night a friend seemed pretty quiet. I was sort of making a few announcements and his lack of response made me wonder what could be more important!:P He revealed soon that the woman he had loved had talked to him that day. They had already parted ways sometime back. She was a good friend.

I sympathized and put the phone down. But there. The thought had happened. The Love angle had re-entered and my pledge to decipher facts began all over again.

They weren’t together, but she still had an effect on him.

I wondered, how can people heal in emotion? Is this the greatest pain besides the loss of loved ones to heaven?

I know how it feels to have a heavy heart. Its 12 am, but decide to make my cup of tea. There’s nothing that works better; it’s tea for me.

I log in to start writing this blog post, but peep into my twitter account and find a similar thread of conversation. The topic of love seemed to have been playing on the minds of so many people that day. (For records, the following day “Love” was trending on Twitter and so was “midnightconfessions”)

So there I was, thrown in the middle of conversation. Somehow, I couldn’t hold back. I spoke. I shared. Even part ideas from Falling In Love More than Once – Part 1. That love happens and that love passes.

We soon had 2 more people join, then 4 more and then a few more until almost 15 people were out there trying to Unravel the idea called love.

Sometimes, all the answers are just before our eyes, but they are just so hard to see.

Like my best friend said in a conversation, “Aps, how can we base our actions on feelings? Feelings can so be crushed, ignored and squashed. “ of course this statement is very open to debate; one would probably talk about the extreme feelings of sadness , anger, happiness – things that we can’t really control. But think closely and see; how do we overcome sadness? In that moment, the world seems to stand still; but then…. Things move. You take charge, may be talk to a friend (or may be discuss things in the open like on twitter!) and slowly get back on the ground.

In this case, haven’t we overcome sadness?

You are angry, you speak or you write. You mediate and then relax. haven’t you liberated yourself?

In a similar way, love can be controlled.

Yes – yet again a scandalous thought. But it really isn’t as whimsical as you think or as movies project it to be. After all, who are the people we fall in love with? The people who we meet in life! If love were to be as random, then soul mates would be across seas, never meeting? Or you might be travelling to another city, bump into someone on the street and fall in love.

No that doesn’t happen. But on the contrary, it can.

I am not trying to confuse you here 😀 what I am trying to say, is that, love is in our control to some extent. We can choose who to be in love with and then give our best.

We can choose.

I remember a conversation with a very dear friend, she said, “There really isn’t anything wrong with arranged marriages or love marriages. It’s all about meeting the right person. You can meet him or her, any way, can’t you?” which is quite relevant. Which means, from all the people we know, we chose who we like.

This is more of a subconscious decision, but it happens.

There are various factors that bring people close together: working together, facebook-twitter, school-college, common friends etc. And when tow people give each other company and communicate, they are bound to form an emotional connects. The emotional connect can go on to be a strong friendship or a romance.

The romance can be brief and only in the mind, or it can go on to be something stronger.

It’s all on how we react to our feelings, how we decide to react to our feelings and what we want form life. And when you give somebody a chance, and take things further step by step – love grows and love happens. The stronger the mind-connect happens, the stronger the bond becomes and the relationship happens.  However, there’s s twist in the story here.

Sometimes, the mind creates a stronger bond because you develop feelings for someone. You think of them and you focus your thoughts on them and before you know it – you’re in love. But somehow, the person doesn’t reciprocate. He or she isn’t on your wavelength but you continue to hold on. And that’s where the one-sided love happens.

So whose fault is it? The person falling in love? The person who isn’t in love? Well…. None.

Sometimes, things really aren’t in your hand. You might find someone very attractive (mind, soul, body), but they might not. And at times like this, you have to respect and let go.

(and right now while I talk about this, it’s romantic love – not the many types of loves that I have mentioned in previous articles)

That brings us to the next aspect – what’s attractive?

Again a mind thing and you really might not be able to monitor that. But like you overcome sadness and anger, you can also address your attraction towards someone if the need be. It’s all about what you want and what you want to pursue.

A friend once told me, many years back, “statistics show that romances happen almost all the time even with committed people. It’s because people live with each other day in and day out; it may not be physical, but the mind does play games.”

And from this point onwards, it all varies from person to person. About how you address this “crush”/love. I know a friend who doesn’t hesitate to step into relationships because she believes in her feelings and she believes in living for herself. She understands and accepts that love happens.

But by now, I must have hurt “religious sentiments”J… No, that wasn’t the intention.

I know how it feels to be in love – the stronger one and not mere attraction – because there is a difference. I also do believe that there is that one person who is meant to be with you – to the extent that it’s for each, his own. But at the same time, I call all these forces drawing people closer together as a kind of love – because it isn’t something to be disrespected. It has a part of You.

It may sound unfair to think about yourself, but that’s how we seem to be conditioned. To think of absolute. To think one person. But before anything else, think for yourself.

With each day, you are a growing person.

Don’t compromise for someone who doesn’t really love you or care for you or reciprocate your feelings – but just don’t hesitate  due to fear.

Someone on the previous blog post asked me WHY I try to decipher these paradoxes? Is it because I hurt in love?

I don’t. And I am certainly not hurting now. (This phase is so beautiful, a post shall appear soon on what the rich experiences are) It’s just that I love easily (and here I mean the universal, all kinds of love) and feel emotion for far too many people. I see people hurting for each other and I wish I could ease it. I see feelings grow for each other, and people not being together because “they can’t” – I see them hurt and I feel this urge to try my best to heal.

I want to decipher this idea so that we understand that love happens. In most cases it hurts because we don’t listen to the heart and we bind ourselves with “norms”. In some cases, it’s because the person isn’t meant to be (the wavelength philosophy).

The main core remains that we need to speak up and address things that affect us. Denial is not a solution. Addressing and respecting your feelings is. If you are a committed person, it doesn’t mean that you stray; it means that you talk to your partner and work out what is missing.

You know what it all actually is?

It’s the heart seeking love and that’s why it gives out so much.  It’s the heart seeking attention and that’s why it likes it when someone pays a compliment or says something kind or listens.

For women, then tend to be vulnerable, often picking wrong men who know this secret too well. For men, they become vulnerable when they love a woman too much, and she just doesn’t understand.

If you are committed, probably talking it out will help you revive what’s missing. If it still doesn’t work, then it doesn’t mean you cheat. And it doesn’t even mean you’ll wonder for ever…. It just means you need to take out time and find yourself.

I am still part that person who uses I love yous very easily. My team with the short film club I work for, knows me as someone who’s lavish with I love yous. But after 8 years, I am a little careful now. After hurting for friends and people I have loved, I am far more sensible now. I understand far many things. I am perhaps an adult! But I tell myself I’ll never grow close to people (the general love) and inevitably I do. However, now on this side of these many “investigations”, I know what I want from life.

I know which friendships are romances of the mind, I know which associations are mere manipulations, I know what “playing is”, I know what attraction will pass and I know which friendships will stay. I know it when people say ‘I love you’ and mean it, and I know who from them must stay in my life and who should leave.

In this bid to discover romance, love, feelings, simultaneous affections, crushes, love for friends, love for people, love for enemies, and love for strangers and virtual friendships, I have discovered who I am.

And you should do that too. In this bid to addressing your feelings, discover who you are. And don’t hesitate to love or demean a past you’ve had – because it has a part of you, and that is worth a lot.

Sharing this lovely scene and song from Zindagi Na Milegi Dubara – I love this scene in particular. She goes out and says, “Mujhe Afsos Karna Nahi Aata” – “I don’t know how live with regrets”.

Anything besides these responses, feel free to post on blog comments:). Plus, Is there anything you want me to write on? Let me know @ apsara.iyengar@gmail.com .

YOU Are Your Own Person

YOU are your own person.

We are who we are, and always shall be.

This is something that has always been true, but somehow, we forget and keep wondering and wandering. I thought about this, this morning as I sipped my cup of tea, and observed the young kids in my garden.

My maid has two kids. The boy is 5 the girl in 2 and a half. The boy doesn’t share, throws tantrums; while the little girl is warm and affectionate (though both are adorable!). The other day, his mother had bought him a packet of wafers which he was enjoying completely, by himself. I went down to meet them and began to play with the kids. The little girl suddenly ran in, and looked at her mother and said, “Maaarruuuu?” (timidly asking, “mine?”) with the politest, sweetest, most innocent tone. Her mother replied, after a pause, “nathi. Bhai badhu khai gayo”.(“Nothing. Your brother ate it up)

She just looked down and sulked without saying anything else.

I just can’t get over that “Maaarruu” in the little child tone. I went home and got her a bowl of chips, which she gladly shared with her brother, who had already started throwing tantrums because I dint give him a bowl.

And then I wonder; who teaches these little kids what’s right and what’s not?

Who makes them who they are?

Sometimes I remember learning things like we must always speak the truth. I don’t remember whether it was only my mother who taught me that, but I do remember her telling me never to lie. I remember being hurt when my friends would borrow a pencil, and then lie that they returned it. I remember feeling hurt, not at the loss of the pencil, but the fact that people could lie. As a child, it was hard to believe that something like that can happen. Somehow, I never experienced the fast benefits of lying, and consequently, have never developed the courage to do so. But that apart, I wonder, what makes me this person?

I think sometimes, if had a daughter, would she be like me? Would she become the person of the virtues I teach? Or would she just be someone she is born as?

And then I understand that saying, “Accept people the way they are and that is what love and relationships are about.”

We are, forever, the people who we are.

We develop, we change, we grow …… all within the purview of the person that we already are. We can be trained about right and wrong… Perhaps, a character can be developed. The child can be taught to share. But his basic instinct, I guess, shall remain. The little girl on the other hand, may learn to not share with those who aren’t ready to reciprocate. But by instinct, she might remain compassionate.

And when I understand this…

I suddenly accept all the people in my life the way they are…

I suddenly realise, that I understand them far better than I did. I also realise that some of them may not like it; the feeling of being read….. sometimes when you understand people too much, it can prompt them to move away…. For their “space”. The easier thing is to understand, and accept; and not question.

Yes… I do understand YOU very well… I understand what you think and why you act in a specific manner. I understand you need to be who you are; so that you can be; so that you can find your answers yourself.

I understand who you are.

I understand what friendships are.

I understand your shortcomings.

I understand your personality.

I understand that people are –

They may grow, they may become;

I understand that I must take you as you are.

And I understand…. Because it’s a part and parcel of this hyperactive, super analytical brain 😉

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